We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Extra $25 per week from economic stimulus makes some Americans ineligible for hundreds of dollars worth of food stamps.

STIMULUS WATCH: $25 check may cost you food stamps [Yahoo! via Consumerist]

Awkward Family Photos

Fail Blog

Engrish.com

Stuff White People Like

This Is Why You’re Fat

1001 Journals

Found Magazine

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The basic premise of American labor-relations law is that conflicts between employers and employees are often messy, but it is generally best to assume that the two parties should be allowed to battle until reason, assisted by exhaustion, produces a settlement. Baseball’s strike began Aug. 12, 1994, and Sotomayor ended it March 31, 1995, by effectively siding with the players’ union. She thereby spared it the need to make significant compromises. This was not (in Obama-speak) judicial empathy for downtrodden labor against jackbooted capital. The 762 players’ average salary in 1994 was $1,154,486.

Read the whole commentary at Newsweek,com.

Another angry McDonald’s customer calls 911 [via The Consumerist]

Now that we have a baby, we should be going to sleep at a much earlier hour. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is what everyone tells us. Wise advice that we haven’t paid much attention to.

I’m predicting that this will catch up to us in the not to distant future. And we wonder why our child doesn’t like going to sleep when she should. We’ll all be learning together.

That’s kind of like what it is to be a parent. No instruction manual and a lot of trial and error. During the last four weeks, my wife and I have been learning what our special powers as parents are.

Maybe we have the power to save the world.

All that I know at this point is, believe it or not, I’m walking on air.

Believe it Or Not

Look at what’s happened to me,
I can’t believe it myself.
Suddenly I’m up on top of the world,
should have been somebody else.

Believe it or not, I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it’s just me.

Looks like the light of a new day,
Hit me from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true.

Believe it or not, I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it’s just me.

Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it’s just me.

2) If I am sleeping, I prefer that you either carry me or place me in the swing. This way I will be in constant motion.

3) I love the changing table. This is not actually a rule. I just wanted to mention that I love the changing table.

4) Don’t even think about trying to eat. I might only be three weeks old, but I already know what the microwave sounds like. If I hear it, I’ll insist you pay attention to me immediately.

5) The same goes for watching TV, spending time with each other, going to the bathroom, or anything else that you enjoyed from your life before me.

6) From now on, you’ll need to do everything with only one arm. It amuses me.

7) I must insist on your individual undivided attention.

8) Don’t kiss each other or show any affection towards each other. You really don’t have the time.

9) Have I mentioned how incredible the changing table is??!

10) I have the power to create rules on the fly. Be ready.

Signed,

the little dictator

One recent phone conversation:

Me: Hello?
Phone: (Silence while call is routed to somewhere overseas)
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Is Orin there? (In a heavy Indian accent)
Me: (I contemplate telling the telemarketer that Orin has unfortunately passed away. I’ve actually told a telemarketer that before. I’m busy at the moment and can’t think on my feet. I instead go with the more mundane and polite option.)
…
Me: You have the wrong number.
Telemarketer: This is not Orin Percy?
Me: No. You have the wrong number.
Telemarketer: There is no one by the name of Orin Percy there?
Me: The definition of “wrong number” would seem to imply that no one by that name is here.
Telemarketer: Oh.
Me: (Click)