Renovation Notice
Dear Loyal Customers,
Starting tomorrow, the Earth will be closed for renovations.
Although every effort will be taken by Management to minimize the inconveniences which you might personally encounter, some persons may experience extreme difficulties due to displacement from homes, work closure, loss of jobs, and general upheaval and chaos. The Management wishes to apologize in advance for any and all inconveniences. Management would also like to point out that during the duration of the closure, dining services and other amenities will not be available.
The scheduled renovations are included as part of Management’s continuing efforts to increase overall satisfaction with the whole Earth Experienceô. In recent years, Management has received numerous complaints detailing issues to which Management now wishes to respond. In the past, Management could care less, but after the recent lawsuits, Management now has been advised to move forward with renovations.
As a loyal customer of Earth Experienceô, you should expect to receive Management-sponsored marketing materials approximately four to six weeks after renovation work concludes. The brochures, letters, and bumper stickers will explain in great and excruciating detail why Management has undertaken the renovations, how you might participate in the ongoing class action lawsuits currently pending against management, how the renovations will improve your life experience, why management is not liable for the current plight of your life, and who Management does not particularly like and why.
Also expect to receive a number of harassing phone calls from Management-hired telemarketers asking you to participate in a series of lengthy surveys. Management wishes to admit at this time that the surveys are generally meaningless. Management has no plans to read any of your responses and cares very little about any results derived from the questionaire, but instead wishes to generally waste your time as part of the ongoing improvements to the Earth Experienceô. Management hopes that after the renovations are complete you will be able to say that Earth is the best and only planet that you would ever want to live on. Management will need a signed and notorized version of the last sentence from each citizen who wishes to support Management in its ongoing legal difficulties.
A few of the improvements, which will begin tomorrow at 6 a.m., are as follows.
- end oppression, war, famine, pestilence, and disease
- bring about reconciliation between warring factions
- clean toxic waste dumps and stop pollution
- strengthen families and friendships
- create larger office spaces for everyone
- free donuts for everyone
- replace large international corporations with small locally owned and run businesses dedicated to serving the local population
- improve the Earth Experienceô call support center
- force Esperanto upon the unsuspecting world as the offical international language for no apparent reason
- larger and cleaner restrooms
- Germany will now be known as Ireland
- Ireland will be called Quebec
- And we will all agree that Quebec, in general, was simply a bad idea. (Upon request, a French translation of this statement will be provided within 10 working days.)
Thank you for your cooperation.
The Management
