I recently found this letter among my e-mail archive. I found it amusing and thought I would share.
Dear Sir and Madam,
It has come to my attention that you will soon be departing from the Great State of Texas (hereafter referred to simply as “Great State”).
As a duly sworn and appointed agent of the Peachwater District Office of the Texas Immigration, Naturalization, and Umbrella-Deployment Service (PDOTINUDS), I must request that you RELINQUISH and SURRENDER all or any of the following items before crossing into the United States of America from the Great State:
Cowboy hats, belt buckles, cowboys, hats, belts, buckles, lemurs, Chupacabras, assorted livestock, peaches, plums, pears, those little fig newton things that you can get from the store but there are never enough in one package, chickens, goats, dirt, dust, wind, dust in the wind, that’s all we are, just dust in the wind, and any small Central American countries that may be concealed or displayed entirely or in part upon your person or upon any camels that you may be travelling with.
You must also SURRENDER and RELINQUISH the following:
Any Canadian actors, Canadian bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, shiny objects, furry objects, objections, rejections, confections, confessions, obsessions, recessions, regressions, repressions, any other word ending with the sound ’shun’, schwa, vowels, and any extra R’s that may be contained in words such as ‘warshing machine’ (these R’s are not redeemable for cash beyond state lines).
Please note that the words “ya’ll” and “y’all” are commonly and collectively held as trademarks by the Great State and the other Southern States. Do not abuse our trademark or mock it in any fashion.
You must also DECLARE the following:
Items in excess of $400, items purchased in the Caribbean while on vacation, items purchased in poor taste or with very little guidance from your wife or a close loved one, your age, your weight, your IQ, your real weight, how many coconuts am I holding, how many swallows would it take to get them away from me, why do you feel this need to speak about my coconuts, how many fingers am I holding up, are you drunk or am you, and your undying love for me and the Great State.
Failure to relinquish, surrender, or declare the above stated items will result in us not liking you very much. (The enforcement division of our service is not yet fully functional. Please do not take advantage of this fact.)
Our Departure Service offices can be found in four convenient locations along the Texas-U.S. Border: Dalhart, Wichita Falls, Sherman, and Texarkana. Please stop by one of the offices before leaving the Great State of Texas. Thank you!
Ya’ll come back now!
Mr. Ada Catada
Director
Texas Immigration, Naturalization,
and Umbrella-Deployment Service
Peachwater, Texas